Ah, the life of a government employee

I made the jump back into prosecution at the beginning of the year. I applied for a job as a Deputy District Attorney in my former adopted hometown of Steamboat Springs. Amazingly, I was offered the job the day after being interviewed. The downside? The salary. The salary would have been perfect had we not had to move to an expensive ski town. But my husband was still out of work, and I hadn't found what I was looking for on the Front Range (not that I even knew what I was looking for). So I managed to get a little more money than what was originally offered, with the assumption that I would get a raise after a year. Guess what is going to happen instead? The county is in such a financial crisis that all employees' salaries are being cut. So right when I REALLY need to start paying those law school loans (you can only do so many forebearances and I no longer qualify for an economic hardship deferral) and making more money, I'll be making less.

I love my job. I love being a prosecutor. I think the world of our elected. But, alas, even waiting tables as a second job is not a viable option, because I will be in constant contact with people who will likely become defendants or victims in my courtroom. (Should I worry that I continue to use waitressing as a fall-back option even now that I am a licensed attorney?) In the mountains, you do what you have to do to make ends meet. But I am really tired of barely scraping by, paycheck to paycheck. Sometimes I want to kick myself for leaving the job with the firm in Greeley. But they were insisting that I move to Greeley. I was happy where we were. Moving up here, on the other hand, was almost a no-brainer. I love it here, my husband loves it here, and it is a friendly, beautiful place to live. So we still have a place in Longmont, we rent a slightly smaller place here for significantly more money, and can barely afford the groceries each month.

That's why I decided to take yet another leap of faith and go back into private practice. Main street law. I have a friend and former co-worker who started his own firm in 2003, and he is ready for an associate. It could be very good for both of us. Hopefully, I'll be able to bill enough (and collect enough) to make more than what I am making now. That amounts to a whopping 65 hours per month. I know that I can handle that and then some...it's just a matter of getting the business and getting people to pay their bills (another advantage of having worked as a waitress is that I am good at getting people to pay when they try to avoid the issue).

Am I crazy to leave a stable job for uncertainty? Or am I looking out for the best interests of my family? We'll see how it goes. So far the people I have told have said that they are thrilled and think it is a terrific move.

Eventually, I'll find my niche.

Waitress, Esq.

Well, now, that just DOESN'T sound quite as good as "Waitress, J.D." However, at least now all the stuff my lawschool sends to me that says "Waitress, Esq." and my CU Alumni Association Card (which also says "Waitress, Esq.) will be right.

WTF? Yes, on round 3 of grading of my third attempt at that little quiz they call the Colorado Bar Exam, I passed. I passed on the first grading, failed on the second, and passed on the third.

NOW I GET TO BE A DIRT LAWYER!!!!!!!!!!! HOORAY!

Okay, for those of you who don't know, "Dirt Law" is the more fun way of saying "Real Estate Law." Of course, I will remain as part of the litigation team. My personality, apparently, is just not cut out for the life of a transactional attorney (I thrive on adrenaline, like to make smart ass remarks, analyze everything, and think quickly on my feet).

THE BEST PART...THE WAITING IS FINALLY OVER. I CAN BREATHE A HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF, AND MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE WITHOUT THE AMBIGUITY OF THE BAR RESULTS HANGING OVER MY HEAD. aaaaahhhhhhhh.

"You're Not Being Fired Yet..."

It isn't a good sign when you hear those words from your boss's mouth. I did, just about an hour ago. She wants to take me to lunch tomorrow to talk to me about how I can be better and whether or not I really want to be here. She brings up valid points, but the truth is that I don't have the luxury of deciding where I want to be - I want to be (and have to be) wherever I can get a good paycheck. Those places are few and far between, between the liability of a J.D. and the lack of solid, long-term experience in any one field (except waitressing and bartending) prior to lawschool.
She is convinced that if I pass the bar exam, I will bolt for the DA's office. First of all, the only DA's offices in Colorado that hire regularly are in Greeley (which is even further east than the firm I currently work for and thus my commute would be 15 minutes longer than it currently is) and Fort Morgan, which may as well be in Nebraska (no offense to Huskers, until we get to football season). To get a job at a DA's office in Colorado is like getting a good bartending gig in a ski town: someone has to tear an ACL or die.
Second, and more importantly, I haven't passed the bar exam. It is in the hands of a bored, tired exam grader who is trying to keep people from passing.
Third, I know how tough it is to find a job as an attorney in Colorado. I have several friends, all licensed in Colorado, who never did find jobs. Some had the money to start their own practice, and others have moved into entirely different career fields. Some are bartending.
Luckily, I have already applied for a job as a Victim Specialist at a DA's office in the jurisdiction where I live. I hope I get an interview, whether I pass that stupid little quiz on appeal or not.
What a crappy day.
I want to drink. I want to drown. I want to die.
You know what I'll do instead? I'll go do some errands. I'll call my AA sponsor. I'll go the the women's meeting that I enjoy so much tonight. I'll accept that this is just part of what I need to learn to handle without getting drunk.

It Gets Better

As if failing the bar exam by one point and finding out that I had passed on the first grading isn't enough, I finally opened my score packet yesterday (even though I received it Saturday, I didn't have the guts to look at it until yesterday) and...first grading = 279! I know that 279 out of a possible 400 points (does anybody ever get a perfect score?) is not much, but when passing is 276 or higher, knowing that I passed on the first grading by more than I failed on the second grading is both annoying and gives me hope.

Do I really want to be a member of a club that goes to such great lengths to keep me out? And lets people in who turn out to be embarrassingly crappy attorneys?

ONE POINT?!?!!!!!!!!!!!

One point. One tiny little point keeps me from entering the ranks of licensed attorneys in Colorado. ONE f-ing point! When I finally opened my score report last weekend (it arrived in the mail the day after I didn't see my name on the list), I saw that number - 275 - and just didn't know how to react. On the one hand, I was thrilled that I had done significantly better than either of the previous two attempts, and being within 3 points of passing means that my test is eligible for review. On the other hand, I just want the whole episode to be over with. This means another period of waiting anxiously to find out if a grader somewhere can come up with another point to put me into the passing zone. This was difficult to handle, to say the least, especially after crafting an outlook on the whole debacle that would allow me to proceed through life in peace, whether or not I ever attempt the bar again.

On Friday of last week, I spoke with the person at the board of law examiners who is in charge of my application file. Despite the letter that arrived with my score that explained that score packets wouldn't be available until Monday (today), I sent in my request for my packet and it was ready on Friday. She wanted to make sure she sent it to the correct address. She was very friendly, and asked how much I had missed by - I told her one point. She sounded sympathetic, and then said that looking at my essay score sheets she could see places where I could pick up a few points. In fact, she told me, I passed the exam on the first grading of my exam. WHAT?!?!? Back to emotional confusion: hopeful that at least I have the ability to pass, and that perhaps the next grader to look at my essays will find at least one of the points the first grader found. Then anger: why do they need to put me through this? One more hoop that I must jump through! A few more weeks of emotional purgatory while I await the decision of grader #3.

In the meantime, no matter what the result, I will take care of myself. I allowed myself enough time to feel sorry for myself and to numb the pain of not passing (I will not use that particular f word). Yesterday was the first day I didn't have a drink. Not a drop. Had trouble sleeping last night, but who cares. Esq. or not, I deserve to be healthy and to develop a toolbox for dealing with life's curveballs that does not include the tool in a bottle. But, honestly, I really really hope to be able to add that Esq. after my name in a few weeks...

So now I will focus on doing well at my job, contemplating my true nature and my "calling," and take everything one day at a time. Today, I will work on admitting to myself and those of you reading that when it comes to booze, I can't have just one. I am the liquor version of the cokehead people call vacuum cleaner. Well, maybe not quite that bad. I will leave some in the bottle and go to bed, whereas the vacuum cleaner will lick plates and search an entire apartment for a little smidge to inhale. Alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful, and it has me whipped.