What Happened...

I just received a comment from a reader (you guys actually exist!) wondering what happened to the DA position. I loved the job, no question there. But when the county slashed the budget (not long after I started), there was a lot of talk about significant pay cuts and potential firings. I have a tendency toward anxiety and depression anyway, and that news didn't help. I had to convince them to hire me at a higher (not by much) salary than what they would normally have offered. I was still hesitant to take a job in a very expensive tourist town making about what I would make in a much less expensive town. "Oh, we'll get you a raise after 6 months," they said. That didn't happen. Money issues freaked me out. I started having regular panic attacks, and had physical symptoms of anxiety and depression (namely, insomnia, memory trouble and severe stomach pain). Finally I decided that going back into private practice would be the only way to cover all of the bills PLUS student loan payments. So I started putting my feelers out. I found an attorney who primarily did transactional work, disliked litigation, and really liked my work and the idea of being able to provide full service (transactions and litigation) to any client. So I put in my notice at the DA's office.
Hindsight is always 20/20: i would give anything for a regular salary right now, and ANY benefits whatsoever. I hope that someday I can look back and say the same thing about my decision to stick it out in small town private practice: that hindsight is 2o/20 and it will have been, someday in the future, the best decision I ever made.

One (of several) lessons learned: money isn't everything if you budget well. Another lesson learned: don't make decisions in the midst of an episode of depression! Depression and anxiety cause clouded thinking. Not only does that hurt one's ability to perform well at work, but it also impairs one's ability to make significant life decisions! Another lesson: listen to your instincts! Mine told me it was not a good idea (for many reasons) not to move up to the mountains for a low-paying job. The cost of living was high, the salary low, and the opportunities for my husband to find good work almost non-existent. But instead of listening to my gut, I listened to my parents who told me to take whatever job came along.

Staying Positive

Last week was my first week back at it in private practice in Ski Town, USA. I took a few months to try to find a different gig that wasn't practicing law and that would pay (my total earnings in September and October of last year were less than $2000). I got a lot of people telling me that I was overqualified, and a whole lot of non-response from even more potential employers. I finally came to the conclusion that, if I want to do the right thing and pay off my student loan and credit card debt while also putting food on the table, I would have to figure out a way to make it work as a lawyer.

I have applied for a few jobs in Denver/Boulder. Was rejected by one, haven't heard a peep from the others. To stave off boredom, I decided to give it a go with the solo practitioner that I started working for last fall. Last week was my first week back and I managed to accumulate 15 hours of billable time. If I can bill 15 hours every week, I can make what I was originally making as a DA (before salary cuts). Of course, that depends on people paying their bills. I don't see a dime until clients pay up. That ends up meaning I have no idea what my income will be next month. Try making a budget like that! Even better, try telling the creditors that are threatening legal action against you that you will pay whenever you get someone to pay you more than $100. HA! This week (it is only Tuesday), I have very little to do. I hope to get about 10 hours of billable time this week. So I continue to apply for jobs in Denver, even though my husband would prefer to stay here in Ski Town and earn $11/hour. I want very much for him to be happy, and I do love my 3-mile commute, but I would also like to be able to pay for the gas for my short commute! So far, that isn't happening.

But I am trying not to let the "yeah buts" and negative thoughts get the better of me. Trying to stay positive. Negative thinking can be completely paralyzing and is often completely illogical. If it is meant to be, the business will keep coming in, and I will make clients happy enough with my work that they will want to pay me. The upshot of working in a small town for a solo practitioner is that I get to define my schedule and how and when I will work. I will gladly trade in the big bucks for a decent living that includes a great quality of life. Stay positive, stay positive...I am competent, intelligent and capable!

Progress, Not Perfection

Perfection as a character defect has been coming up in my world a lot lately. It's kinda like the universe has a huge lesson for me to learn and I am just not getting it. So it keeps coming up.
I just got back from a run a little while ago. Actually, it was a walk-run. I didn't go for very long (30 minutes) and I didn't go very far. In fact, I am resisting the temptation to even map the run online because I don't want to know. I don't want to put myself in the position of being disappointed in myself.

While going slowly in the 20-something temperature, I was thinking about the notion of "progress, not perfection" that is often discussed in the rooms of AA, NA and all sorts of As. Apparently, those of us with addiction problems tend to be perfectionists, thus setting ourselves up for repeated failure by some self-imposed standard that is completely unrealistic. My doctor and counselor have both been pointing out to me that my self-sabotaging ways are really fear of failure. In other words, a need to be perfect. If I fear that I just don't have what it takes to be the best (which, let's face it, is all of the time), I give up. I have done this repeatedly throughout my life. Law school was a good example: I had a lot of balls in the air, was on the verge of learning how to prioritize and focus to the best of my ability, when I got overwhelmed and just gave up. Yes, I graduated. But I didn't give it my all. It's like I have this need to always strive to be good enough, but in the back of my mind I know - because I've gotten the message loud and clear since childhood - that no matter what I do, it won't be good enough and I'll need to do better next time. At some point, I got tired of bothering with next time. If what I do isn't good enough, why bother?

This is not a good motivator. This is existing as what my counselor refers to as a "human doing." I am pretty sure I am a human BEING. And as far as I know, there is no human being who is perfect. Why should I impose the same impossible standard on myself?
Here is the new progress not perfection method of living my life: I don't have to win all of my cases (seriously, if I do end up practicing law, which I enjoy for the most part, I can't expect to win all the time), but I do have to do the best I can; if I don't have time for a whole one hour workout, 30 minutes is better than nothing; I don't have to neglect posting on this blog just because I don't feel like I am going to write something that will be moving to someone who may happen to read it; and finally, failure is an essential part of success. If I don't even bother trying for fear of failing (or success that isn't "good enough"), how can I ever grow into the self-assured, content woman that I long to be?

Tomorrow I will look forward to another walk-run (or maybe just a walk, if my legs don't feel energized) at an easy pace that will allow me to work through some of the mess in my soul. Sometimes, slowing down and releasing any expectations makes for a much more fulfilling time on the trail.

Ah, the life of a government employee

I made the jump back into prosecution at the beginning of the year. I applied for a job as a Deputy District Attorney in my former adopted hometown of Steamboat Springs. Amazingly, I was offered the job the day after being interviewed. The downside? The salary. The salary would have been perfect had we not had to move to an expensive ski town. But my husband was still out of work, and I hadn't found what I was looking for on the Front Range (not that I even knew what I was looking for). So I managed to get a little more money than what was originally offered, with the assumption that I would get a raise after a year. Guess what is going to happen instead? The county is in such a financial crisis that all employees' salaries are being cut. So right when I REALLY need to start paying those law school loans (you can only do so many forebearances and I no longer qualify for an economic hardship deferral) and making more money, I'll be making less.

I love my job. I love being a prosecutor. I think the world of our elected. But, alas, even waiting tables as a second job is not a viable option, because I will be in constant contact with people who will likely become defendants or victims in my courtroom. (Should I worry that I continue to use waitressing as a fall-back option even now that I am a licensed attorney?) In the mountains, you do what you have to do to make ends meet. But I am really tired of barely scraping by, paycheck to paycheck. Sometimes I want to kick myself for leaving the job with the firm in Greeley. But they were insisting that I move to Greeley. I was happy where we were. Moving up here, on the other hand, was almost a no-brainer. I love it here, my husband loves it here, and it is a friendly, beautiful place to live. So we still have a place in Longmont, we rent a slightly smaller place here for significantly more money, and can barely afford the groceries each month.

That's why I decided to take yet another leap of faith and go back into private practice. Main street law. I have a friend and former co-worker who started his own firm in 2003, and he is ready for an associate. It could be very good for both of us. Hopefully, I'll be able to bill enough (and collect enough) to make more than what I am making now. That amounts to a whopping 65 hours per month. I know that I can handle that and then some...it's just a matter of getting the business and getting people to pay their bills (another advantage of having worked as a waitress is that I am good at getting people to pay when they try to avoid the issue).

Am I crazy to leave a stable job for uncertainty? Or am I looking out for the best interests of my family? We'll see how it goes. So far the people I have told have said that they are thrilled and think it is a terrific move.

Eventually, I'll find my niche.

Waitress, Esq.

Well, now, that just DOESN'T sound quite as good as "Waitress, J.D." However, at least now all the stuff my lawschool sends to me that says "Waitress, Esq." and my CU Alumni Association Card (which also says "Waitress, Esq.) will be right.

WTF? Yes, on round 3 of grading of my third attempt at that little quiz they call the Colorado Bar Exam, I passed. I passed on the first grading, failed on the second, and passed on the third.

NOW I GET TO BE A DIRT LAWYER!!!!!!!!!!! HOORAY!

Okay, for those of you who don't know, "Dirt Law" is the more fun way of saying "Real Estate Law." Of course, I will remain as part of the litigation team. My personality, apparently, is just not cut out for the life of a transactional attorney (I thrive on adrenaline, like to make smart ass remarks, analyze everything, and think quickly on my feet).

THE BEST PART...THE WAITING IS FINALLY OVER. I CAN BREATHE A HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF, AND MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE WITHOUT THE AMBIGUITY OF THE BAR RESULTS HANGING OVER MY HEAD. aaaaahhhhhhhh.